[This was interesting. It started by 'Rules for Blokes', and later other people submitted the 'Rules for Birds' and the 'Rules for cats']
Rules for being a good bloke, by Dog
Rule #0 - Never
hit a woman.
This rule is so basic that
it's pretty much unwritten, hence the number. I mean, normally you'd start
with Rule #1 but i thought i'd better put this in for clarification. Not so
much a rule as a basic principle.
Rule #1 - Thou
shalt not try it on with thy mate's bird.
And I really, really mean it. Thou *shalt not*. In fact, it goes further than
just "try it on". Thou shalt refuse to do anything with thy mate's bird even
if she turns up at your place wearing only an overcoat and begs for a night
of carnal gratification. No matter how drunk/stoned/bored/sexually frustrated
you happen to be at the time. In fact, in this situation, you should phone
your mate and get him round sharpish. If he's not there, put her in a taxi
and send her home. If you can't do this for whatever reason, put her in your
bed and sleep on the sofa - and, before you ask, that does not imply doing
anything else before you go and sleep on the sofa. "I never slept with her"
is semantics.
Sleepless nights kicking yourself for being on the sofa and not just giving
in are the equivalent of the Vigil that knights used to have to do before
they became knights. It's tough, but it's worth it. After one of these, you
can pride yourself on being a decent bloke.
And mates should assume that you have slept on the sofa and resisted the temptation,
because after all, they would. That's why they're your mates.
Rule #1 has an
addendum - "or thou art not fit to ever have any mates again ever". This
should be enforced from all sides by all blokes in the know. It may be worth
trying to get mates with ugly wives. Personally, I couldn't say. Most of my
mates' wives are staggeringly attractive.
Hence Rule #1.
Rule #2 - Thou
shalt not drive anything after more than a pint.
Drunk drivers are not Good Blokes. They are wankers and should be treated
as such.
You wouldn't trust an epileptic with a gun, don't trust a drunk - ie you -
after more than a pint. Random fatalities are not funny.
Rule #3 - Never
fight over politics.
Save it for something important like football or beer. The only types of politics
worth hitting anyone over are those of intolerance and bigotry, and frankly,
you don't want to be drinking with bigots anyway.
Rule #4 - Thou
shalt stand thy round.
If people are buying you beers, return the favour. Anything else is just taking
advantage. Failure to stand your round through being skint is acceptable provided
you have made it very clear that you are in fact, utterly brassic *before*
you agree to go out with the lads.
If they're ok with that, fine. And they probably will be.
Rule #5 - Thou
shalt listen to thy bird (or at least pretend to).
They like to talk. They talk about stuff all the time. Listen, or at least
make the effort to remember specific points from it so that you can bring
them up later in conversation which gives instant brownie points.
When they start talking about problems and stuff which is bothering them,
remember not to give solutions. Just shut up and try to act sympathetic.
Giving solutions and answers at this point will only piss them off. Remember
any solutions you happen to think of and mention them some hours/days later
when the need to wibble about nothing has finally left her and it looks as
if you've been carefully considering her life because you care about her *that*
much.
Rule #6 - Thou
shalt really listen to thy mates and not just pretend.
If your mates come to you with a problem, they want answers. Right there and
then. And while it is true than on occasion your mates' problems can be as
boring as your bird's, at least they will offer *you* solutions and answers
should you go to them with a problem, while your bird will merely be sympathetic
because that's what she'd want. Except for mates who are birds, obviously.
In that case, you still really have to listen but you're also expected to
keep your solutions to yourself.
It also pays not to have to do this too much, or else female mates might start
getting the idea that you are a bloke who can listen as well buy a round and
presumably has a penis and a job, in which case you could be in trouble.
Rule #7 - Thou
shalt remember thy priorities
Which are, in order of importance:
1) Your SO
2) Your dog
3) Your mates
4) Your job
5) Your family
6) Every other bastard
Some may wonder why
family comes nearly last "after all the things [they've] done for you" et
cetera et cetera ad nauseum usually. Well, the reasons are pretty simple.
Your SO is the person you *chose* to spend your life with. Your dog relies
utterly on you and is generally crap, like most blokes. Just check out your
mates if you don't believe me. Dogs are better mates than anyone else because
they obey all the blokes rules by instinct except Rule #8 and you can get
over that by kicking them and they're also prepared to eat your cooking.
Your mates are people you *choose* to spend time with. Your family, you don't
get a choice about those. You're stuck with 'em.
Some members of your family may well count as mates. My sister does, for example.
Then again, she's an honorary bloke because she a) has been to a stag night
b) doesn't think in that incomprehensible way that women usually do but is
actually logical c) can drink most of you buggers under the table d) keeps
all the blokes rules without ever even thinking about them and e) is well
hard. Respect. Every other bastard can piss right off.
Rule #8 - Thou
shalt not yak in thy mate's car
Especially down the air vents.
It reeks. And basically, it's just bad manners. Your mate has stayed sober
purely so that you can get pissed and is driving you about free of charge.
Vomiting all over the upholstery isn't exactly friendly after all that, is
it?
Rule #9 - Thou
shalt not take offence at insults from thy mates
Rather, you should insult the buggers back. After all, they started it. And
basically, you should be able to call your mates pretty much anything without
them taking offence. That's part of the whole thing, right? If you have some
physical disability, expect it to be jeered at in a teasing kind of way. If
you are a member of an ethnic minority or sexual deviant of some sort or most
shocking of all, a bird, expect to get called every rude name and matched
to every stereotype applicable and a few that aren't. This is all allowed,
purely because you can do it back. And because it's fun.
Rule #10 - Thou
shalt not grass up thy mate to his bird
Well, you just don't. All right, so he was leching at the barmaid. All right,
so you all went to the football and Ikea wasn't actually closed. OK, so despite
what he said, he really *does* think that dress makes her look fat (and so
do you).
You still don't go and tell tales on him. And he won't tell tales on you,
because you're not perfect either.
[Rules for being a good bird, by MEG]
Bird Rule #0 -
Never let a man hit you.
Leave him if he does. But don't expect to be able to scratch, scream and hammer
on his chest when things aren't going your way. Fair's fair.
Bird Rule #1 -
Thou shalt never try it on with thy mate's bloke.
Fluttering eyelashes is okay but not the other. Never let her get her scheming
hands on your bloke neither.If said bloke should turn up on your doorstep
in only a raincoat begging carnal gratification, call the police.
Bird Rule #2 -
Thou shalt not allow thy bloke to drive or dance after more than a pint.
Do the decent thing and stay sober in order to chauffeuse him about and keep
him off the dance floor. Alternatively, establish a really cool local social
circle which enables you to walk/crawl to/from the meeting place but has no
dance floor. Save up for Taxis. Or don't go out. There's plenty of entertainment
to be had in the bedroom ... the lounge... on the back lawn .
Rule #3 - Never
talk about politics.
Most blokes don't think your brain is capable of intelligent thought anyway
and if you do start commenting about the positive effect that the Tory government
had on the country's economy during the years 1980 to 1986, you'll cause a
fight.
Keep conversations to lipsticks and babies whilst in the company of blokes.
Discuss quantum physics and Keynsian economics only with trusted confidants.
Bird Rule #4 -
Thou shalt make thy bloke stand his round.
Thou shalt claim not to understand money nor what to do at the bar when in
the presence of thy bloke's mates. NEVER be seen to hand over cash to thy
bloke when he's running a bit short. Always go for girly drinks like gin and
tonic or half a lager shandy. Don't drink pints.
Addendum: If thou art in a gathering of bird mates, drink pints, swear
unashamedly, tell the lewdest jokes the bar can stand. If the area clears
of suited banker-types, all the better. The young man in his first job collecting
glasses must be initiated.
Bird Rule #5 -
Thou shalt talk to thy mates but rabbit to thy bloke.
Your bloke doesn't listen anyway so be sure to include a mention of that special
shopping trip to France. Then, when the time is right, mention it again and
complain that he never listens to you as he tells you of his football engagement.
Don't ever take advice from your bloke. He's only saying it so's he can go
to the match.
Bird Rule #6 -
Thou shalt listen to thy mates.
There's good gossip in there. Really personal stuff is best saved for only
the closest of pals when you can both have a good giggle. With a real mate,
NEVER tell. You will both tell each other lots and the consequences of her
telling on you are worse than the consequences of you telling on her.
Bird Rule #7 -
Thou shalt remember thy priorities
>Which are, in order
of importance:
>1) Your SO . . . . . . . . . 1) Yourself
>2) Your dog. . . . . . . . . .2) Your mum
>3) Your mates. . . . . . . .3) Your SO
>4) Your job. . . . . . . . . . 4) Your cat
>5) Your family. . . . . . . . 5) Your mates
>6) Every other bastard. . 6) Your curtains
Every other bastard is not on the list of priorities.
Look after number one and all the others will follow. Mum will be happy that her daughter has "chosen the right path"; your SO will be content that there's nothing to worry about; the cat gets fed; you and your mates have a laugh without any sort of commitment and the curtains get washed twice a year.
Bird Rule #8 -
Thou shalt not yak in public.
It's so demeaning and so
totally uncool. Thou shalt also not get into thy mate's car dying for a pee.
Or at least warn her beforehand so's she can head for a suitable bush out
of the city lights. There is nothing quite as off-putting to a driver than
someone squirming around in the passenger seat and baying for relief.
Bird Rule #9 -
Thou shalt take offence at insults from thy mates.
A real mate wouldn't be so hurtful and the main thing about mates is that
you have to club together to hurl insults at other women, not each other.
Let no-one insult your bloke. He may be drunk, fat and scruffy but he's yours
and only you have the right to say so.
Bird Rule #10 -
Thou shalt not grass up thy mate to her bloke BUT thou shalt definitely have
a word in her ear about it.
Discuss the pros and cons of such action and ask her if it really is wise.
Never approach the bloke in these situations. No-one likes a snitch and a
bitch of a snitch is even worse.
Remember - one day - you'll need that friend to be the sounding board for
your actions.
Rules for being a Cool (Tom)Cat
Rule #0 - Thou
shalt sleep whenever possible.
This rule basically goes without saying. However, it is especially important
to choose your spot carefully so as to keep your pet-human amused. A laundry
basket is a prime spot - especially when the laundry is fresh from the tumble-dryer.
Rule #1 - Thou
shalt try it on with every other cat in the neighbourhood.
(Note, birds are for consumption not for copulation)
If you should discover that said other cat is in fact another Tom, you should
pretend that you are launching a cunning rear assault, hiss a great deal,
make your hair stand on end and scratch wildly whilst beating a hasty retreat
to the safety of your cat flap.
Rule #1 has an addendum - "or thou art not fit to have any testicles
and a short sharp trip to the vets is likely to follow"...
Rule #2 - Thou
shalt nap for several hours after every meal/drink.
Cats who forget to nap let off the most awful wind. You don't want to be embarrassed
whilst pursuing other feline activities.
Rule #3 - Thou
shalt fight without any provocation.
Waiting for provocation will only leave you vulnerable to a surprise attack
from the rear. Fighting with other felines goes without saying, but anything
will do. A trouser leg, ball of string, innocent crisp packet are all safe
alternatives.
Rule #4 - Thou
shalt bring in dead mice, birds and other mutilated corpses for your pet human.
If a human is providing you with nourishing milk and fresh meat from a tin,
then it is only fair that you return the favour. Pet humans love your presents,
you will notice this from the speed with which they deal with them.
Rule #5 - Thou
shalt ignore your pet-human when it asks for attention.
If your pet-human should try and pick you up or stroke you, then claw at its
back, hiss and cry until it puts you down. It does not do to let them think
they can have your attention whenever they like.
Rule #6 - Thou
shalt demand attention when your pet-human is otherwise engaged.
If, for example, your pet-human
has another human round and they are cuddling up on the sofa then you must
demand attention. The first step is to walk around in circles mewing pathetically,
this lets them know that they are not alone.
Step two is to curl yourself around their legs purring loudly. During step
three you should jump onto your pet-human's lap (or the lap of the other human)
and attempt to snuggle down neatly between the two. Having gained an advantageous
position stretch out whilst purring loudly and claw gently against the other
human's legs. This should be repeated until there is a respectable distance
between the two humans. Ignore any insults to your feline integrity whilst
pursuing this rule. You will often hear from the other human "Ah isn't he
sweet", "Who's a cute puddy then?" and other balderdash.
Continue to purr whilst these insults rain down, even though it galls you
to do so. Let the resentment build up for when your pet-human exits the room.
If left alone with the other human, launch a ferocious attack then run away
crying to your pet-human before the other human has a chance to counter. The
pet-human will be sure to blame the other and a row will ensue. Mission accomplished.
Addendum to Rule #6 [by Steve Turner]
Especially when your
pet-human is asleep. If it ignores you thou shalt sit 2 millimetres in front
of its face (two hours before it wants to get up - lazy human) so that your
whiskers tickle like buggery.
If your pet-human turns over thou shalt climb over it and repeat the process
until it gets up.
If your pet-human shuts you out of its sleeping quarters then thou shalt shout
at the door until your pet-human gives you your deserved attention. - - -
- - - - - - -
Rule #7 - Thou
shalt remember thy priorities
Which are, in order of importance:
1) Your fur
2) Your sleep
3) Your stomach
4) Your sleep
5) Your nether regions
6) Your sleep
Some may wonder why pet-human is not amongst this list, but careful research has shown that pet-humans can survive quite satisfactorily without your aid. They are *not* a *priority*.
Rule #8 - Thou
shalt yak whenever you feel like it, even if you are on the new sofa/carpet.
This will give your pet-human something to occupy itself with whilst you get
on with the serious business of napping.
Rule #9 - If thou
should happen to fall over, thou shalt pretend that nothing happened.
In such circumstances, do not look round to see if anyone saw you fall. This
is a dead give-away. Instead, start licking your fur in whatever awkward position
you landed. This will make it look as if it was an intentional attempt to
get to a bit you can't easily reach. In times of distress, always return to
priority 1)
after all, if anything should go wrong, you'll want to be looking your best.
Rule #10 - Thou
shalt act all innocent and cuddly after knocking valuable china from the mantelpiece.
This is one of the few times when it is important to let your pet-human know
that you still care. After all, it wasn't their fault that the china was in
your way. If your pet-human shows signs of guilt (such as shouting, kicking
and foul-language) then give it a present to distract it. This present could
be anything; a hairball, a mutilated corpse or even fleas.