Subject: aol cd / From: Matt Hucke / Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery

Like the rest of the world, I am constantly bombarded with a never-ending stream of compact discs bearing the hated "America Online" logo and various promises of some number of free hours. In their natural state, they make satisfactory coasters for drinks. They also can provide some amusement value when placed briefly in a microwave. But other than that, AOL CDs are the most useless manufactured item known to mankind.

About a year ago, upon receiving such a disk, I slid it under my neighbor's door. He retaliated in the same manner, whereupon I hid it in the plants outside his door. Later, I smuggled it into his apartment (a place I go to weekly, for recovery and beer). The object was passed back and forth in this manner for most of the past year. We both recently bought newly-constructed condominiums in the same building. After I moved in, my friend told me that he had finally achieved a permanent victory in passing to me the AOL disk: he had entered my unit while it was still under construction, and embedded the fiendish thing within a wall cavity, that was soon sealed permanently.

It's here, somewhere, within my walls, sending out its deadly "me-too" rays. I can still hear the beating of its hideous heart! [no STR]

I can't beat his latest move, but I've resolved to become a bit more creative. We have begun again with a new AOL disk.

Would some non-{US,CA} monk be willing to mail back the AOL disk from your country? I'd send it to you with a preaddressed envelope, so application of the appropriate local postage is all that would be needed.

He said vampire, not student...

[Andy Wong wrote:]
What is usually the career path for SCM?

1) Volunteering
``No, No, anything but that! I'll write Java! I'll even port to Windows!''

2) Initial Hope
``With all these carefully designed tools, what can go wrong?''

3) Stress
``Oh no, not again!''

4) Balanced Retribution
``This axe is just my way of reminding you of the regression tests.''

5) Plea Bargain
``My client wishes to plead justifiable homicide.''

6) Quiet and Rewarding Retirement
``Nurse, put more padding on the walls of Mr Caley's room.''

>What's a Superbowl? Does it save the city from ruin and destruction ON TOP
>OF containing some part of a complete breakfast?

Actually I think it's a toilet that cannot clog and puts the seat down by itself.

You know, until I read the last part about your wife being pregnant, I though this was another "alien sex" thing.

Well, congrats. Is this your first?

Here's some tips from another young dad:

1. They're fun until four months after they start walking.
2. The crawling stage is the most fun, but this is the point where you
learn not to wear shoes in the house.
3. The more often you get up for those 2am feedings when your wife and
baby first come home, the more points you store up for future nookie.
Trust me on this one. Oh, and backrubs are MAJOR nookie points.
4. If the kid makes a noise that sounds like "glorp," point the smiley
end away from you, preferably at an in-law.
5. Make sure you don't add the phrases "goo goo," "poo poo," and "ah
gleu thpbt" to your spell checker. You will be using them alot pretty
soon and it's hard not to have them pop up in normal conversation.

Other than that, remember that they bounce, the dirty stuff doesn't
smell at first so you have to check, and when they put their toes in
their mouths, it's normal, when they put their toes in their noses,
that's your wife's genes.

~Steve-o
Whose kids have a lot of his wife's genes

"Matt Elcock" wrote:
>[1] And what was up with those Census forms? I thought it was going to be
>detailed. Instead, it was "What's your name and are you still breathing?"

Did you have fun with yours? In two boxes where one could enter one's "race"
if not on the list, I put in "Hood to Coast Relay" and "Boston Marathon."

And the news is out! Apparently, the easiest way is just to wear a really,
REALLY short skirt. Now place one leg out. Pull that skirt up a liiiiiittle
bit more... more... moooooore.... MORE DAMMIT! WHOA! Good, good. Now lift
up one thumb and bite your lip appealingly.

Wonderful! This'll work even better when the WOMEN do it.

flaming cat
wondering if this free tip will earn her an all-expenses paid trip to Gatewaycon

- From: jime essink
- I have the following problem: the tree (taxes) of my neighbour is taking
- all sun out of my garden and he refuses permanently to bring it down.
- Who knows a chemical which will kill the tree, what quantity of the
- chemical I will need and how it should be applied.

About 5 lbs. of alloyed iron forged into a block and sharpened at one end, with
a piece of wood attached firmly (handle)...
Place the sharpened end of said iron using the handle near the base of the tree
with sufficient force so as to penetrate it to a certain extent ...Repeat this
procedure until the tree no longer is upright ...

- - It's draconian to secure your mail server(s) to prevent third-party relaying
- - or terminating unrepentant spammers? Imagine that :)

- Hey. What's wrong with dragons?

Oh, I dunno. I've always kinda imagined dragons as generally
portrayed in fiction as being somewhat BOFHish types. I mean, they
collect a lot of neat stuff, hold the power of life and death in their
hand (paw?), and don't suffer fools gladly.

Sounds like a sysadmin to me. ;)

Leah had some very interesting things to say about "Re: Christian Spammers":
- If it was so easy to follow God's directions, the Jews wouldn't have had to
- wander in the desert for 40 years. :}

I thought that was because Moses, being male, wouldn't ASK for directions. :-)

Robert Lieblich wrote:
------
- What happened to the software that automatically cancels any postings in
- which "millennium" is misspelled?

Unhappily, it contained a misspelling of "millennium" and was forced to destroy itself.

from: John Murphy
to newsgroup: uk.education.staffroom

'Bev':
- Why Its Better To Be A Woman:

- We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require - aerodynamic legs.

I do that stuff

- We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

I don't have ANY sexuality

- When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's sad.

Why do you only get four patches in a puncture repair kit?

- We can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a 'short woman's complex'

Is this oil rigs?

- We don't have to get our strength up between sessions, ...and it's much
- easier for us to get laid in the first place.

Okay

- We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.

Chance would be ...

- We never ejaculate prematurely.

30 seconds, no problem

- We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls,
- and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

Okay 2

- Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - they look like
- complete dicks in ours.

Photographic evidence please.

- We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

Debate

- It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

Hello Mrs Bates

- We can cry and get off speeding fines.

I never speed or tell lies

- The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts......and pool.....and football.

Wow, class stuff.

- We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing
- inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers..... men die earlier so
- we get to cash in on the life insurance.

I never have.

- We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct
- correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our genitals.
How big are your gerbils?

- Taxis stop for us.

Walkings good for you.

- We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

Oh, good.

- We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

See ejaculate (premature)

- It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings
- of a 'ruck' (or any other rugby thing). But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do

Oh yes.

- We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean. Ever.

Okay 3

- And finally... We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

That bloody web cam.

Okay, all you Edutainment nutz out there... think of THIS for an idea...

World's Wildest Police Videos... by Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter!

Where we see Steve and his wife sneak up on crack dealers and grab them
by various body parts!

"LOOK! It's a South L.A. Blood! With that BEAUTIFUL red bandanna and
those dark glasses, this is a mature male, folks! I'll just take another
look at him here..." **GRAB!**
at which point the gangsta aims a Tec-9 "street sweeper" at Steve's snoot.
"Leggo you muthafugga sumbitch 'fo I blow yo muthafuggin HEAD off!!"

"Oh, now he's gettin' REALLY cranky! He's a BIG ONE, too!. These
gangstas live in dens we call 'crack houses' and they sometimes live ten
to a burrow! One male can impregnate LOTS of females in his territory
and they roam all over the place to mate and to defend their territory
from the Crips, which are kind of another version of the species."
(Gangsta cocks the gun angrily) "By Crikey, he doesn't like *me*, does
me? We'll just let him go, now. Remember, don't you try this! I've been
picking up gangstas since I was a KID..."
**BLAM!!** (Steve takes a bullet in the shoulder) "Wow! He's not happy,
is he? Soon as I get this bleedin' under control, we'll go take a look
at the Pacoima Crip, a subspecies of the LA Crip. Then it's off on a
lovely car chase with the lA Bloods and the Police! BEAUTIFUL!"

David Sulger wrote:
- Freemind wrote:
- - In the chapter "the Mirror of Galadriel", the color between the black slit-pupil and
- - the flaming outline is described as being yellow, and not red.

- Maybe Sauron had some sort of eye irritaion when the trailer was shot?

I can see it now. Just like any other major blockbuster, the new
films are going to feature prominent product placement in order
to recoup some of the costs.

So, here are the top 10 product placements in the new LotR trilogy:

10. Sauron uses Visine to "get the red out".

9. Gimli wields a double-bladed Ginsu knife instead of his axe.

8. Galadriel uses Clairol hair colour highlights, because she's worth it.

7. Gandalf extols the pleasures of Camel brand cigarettes over Longbottom Leaf.

6. The entire Fellowship wears Gap cargo pants.

5. Sam cooks stewed rabbit in his authentic Tefal pots and pans.

4. Gollum sports a luxurious head of hair thanks to Rogaine.

3. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli pause to put on their Nikes before
chasing after the orcs who captured Merry and Pippin.

2. The Ring has a diamond inset, courtesy of De Beers.

And the number 1 product placement in the new LotR trilogy:

1. Arwen wears a Victoria's Secret wonderbra that lifts and separates even in battle.

Arnold Trembley wrote:
- It's not the Arizona Rocket Car story, but it did arrive by email:

- Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
- 1) Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the @#$%?! box all day!
( S N I P )

No mention of the most annoying to me: you can not see when someone is
approaching you until suddenly a head pops over the side of the wall. How can
one pick ones nose or play some minesweeper? This, BYW, was one of the
considerations many moons ago when the first cubical walls were erected.
Bosses wanted this quick peek ability. It's sexist since many female managers
are not quite tall enough to apply the tactic. (:-)

Dru Sefton wrote:
- Hi all. I'm a reporter with I am doing a story on, of all things, patterns on paper towels.
- Anyway, anyone out there care to comment on the designs on paper towels?

How about more practical designs. I could use one duplicating my
kitchen floor pattern so when I spill some Coke on the floor, I can just
carefully place a towel on the spill and it'll blend right in. Or how
about a conversion table of dry and wet measurements so I don't have to
run to my computer everytime I run across a recipe from the UK and have
to convert furlongs or deca-pods or the King's knuckles or whatever it
is they use, to some real world measurment. Maybe paper towels that
look like newsprint for serving fish and chips. Here's an idea. Put
big ol' numbers on them so you can keep count and you'll know when your
about to run out.

How about scratch n sniff paper towels. You could torment your dog by
putting that T-bone SnS towel under his bowel of generic brand kibble.
Or, you could buy the veal SnS towel for when you serve pork dishes
(available in San Jose only). How about for playing a joke on your SO
and use the raclette cheese SnS towel to clean his eyeglasses. Watch
the fun as he/she spends the rest of the day trying to track down the
origin of that stench.

Here ya go. Organic, edible paper towels so when you finish that great
piece of bbq chicken or ribs, you just eat the towel. Save money on
meals and lose weight. Stretch the food budget. How about paper towels
made of filter material. That way, when you sop up some spilled milk,
you can squeeze it back into the glass.

hey, this is fun..... =D

McLelland wrote
- SOMEHOW YOU GOT INTO MY COMPUTER WILL YOU PLEASE GET OUT????????

Can't. Your coffee cup is in the out tray.

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